I believe this blog represents many peoples’ hearts and that is; to talk the truth. Maybe, not what you are expected from a believer, but the truth. I am writing this article to the people that have become silent. Silent to the truth of whom they really are. I read a book that said; “true integrity is when you say, this is my weakness and this is my strength”.
Many Christians live unhappy, unfulfilled lives. Tired, frustrated and often resentful, they slowly burn out, wondering what went wrong. This is why I am going to share with you my story.
Paper was for many years my best friend. I could write down my thoughts and no one would know how I felt. Paper might be something that has no emotion, but to me, it had feeling. It had compassion on me and would not condemn me when I felt weak. Paper listened and did not tell someone. I lived in a silent world, but not anymore. The body of Christ needs healing and the only way we can get healing, is when we start sharing our hearts.
After many years in the ministry, it soon became apparent that a misunderstanding and misapplication of the life verse; “whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow Me.”, was now destroying me. Physically and emotionally weary, I might be gaining the whole world in terms of productive ministry but I was also losing my own soul.
I grew increasingly depressed and longed to withdraw from people as much as possible. My misery reached such proportions that I did not recognise myself. I started my search for the truth. I couldn’t understand what I was going through. I believed that a believer should be strong at all times, but that was not what I was experiencing. I thought I was the only person on earth having this experience. In my search for the truth I came across a book called “I Quit” by Geri Scazzero. She is a lady that broke the silence and I thank God for her. Her thoughts were my thoughts and I would like to share some of her thoughts with you in the hope that it will help you as it has helped me.
“ People are dying to the wrong things. Dying to the wrong things means depriving yourself of God-given gifts and pleasures that nurture your unique life in Him. You die to the wrong things when you set aside or devalue activities that cause your soul to feel fully alive, when you ignore important relationships, when you care for others to the detriment of yourself and when you fail to honestly state your preferences, always deferring to others.
Dying to the wrong things reflects a lack of self-respect and failure to grasp our personal dignity as made in the image of God himself. This can easily lead to a tragic distortion and misapplication of what it means to lay down our lives for Christ.
In my early Christian life, I learned that a “good and loving Christian” embodied certain qualities. These messages were modelled and encouraged by the Christian subculture in which I was being formed spiritually. I wanted to be a good, loving Christian no matter the cost and I mistakenly believed that good, loving Christians were people characterized by five things; they never say no, they had a active social calendar, they juggled many things without complaining, they got things done and they put others ‘ needs before their own.
I believed that if a need crossed my path, then it was God’s will that I should meet it. This was the right thing to do because if I didn’t do something, then I would feel guilty. There were no boundaries. My active social life gave me a false sense of goodness. I’m a good Christian if I have a lot of invitations, but these invitations eventually became a terrible burden because I felt compelled to say yes to all of them. I also told myself that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13) and do them without complaining. Actually I ended up complaining a lot, not directly, but to my husband I would admit that our lives became overwhelming. I picked up the belief that the busier I was the more spiritual and godly I must be. If I was unselfish and sacrificial with my time, then I must be a loving person, but I became tired, resentful and angry.
Philippians 2:3-4 “in humility value others above yourselves, to looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” I always put others’ needs before my own, but the problem was that it wasn’t working. I only grew more miserable of the demands and it slowly drained the authentic joy of Christ from my soul. I experienced a kind of dying, but it wasn’t dying to self, instead, I wrongly died to a host of gifts God was inviting me to receive. I mistakenly started to die to the things I loved doing before. I died to my love of nature…. for many years. I mistakenly died to my need for silence and solitude. I mistakenly died to intentional personal growth. I did not develop my leadership gifts, but took a backseat, a supporting role – not out of a calling from God, but because of gender-based expectations of church culture and my family of origin. Then I have also mistakenly died to a great marriage. It takes time to grow and nurture a mature, intimate, satisfying marriage. We simply poured ourselves into loving others at the church and squandered the God given joys of our marriage. Have you mistakenly died to anything Christ has not asked you to die to? Ask yourself; “When did I feel most alive this past week? And When did I feel the most life draining out of me?” If we die to the wrong things, ultimately, we end up in disobedience. A Jewish rabbi said; “For us Jews, studying the Bible is more important than obeying it, because if you don’t understand it rightly you will obey it wrongly and you obedience will be disobedience.” Dying to the right things, and not the wrong things, is essential to a life of faith.
God never asks us to die to parts of ourselves that brings life to our souls. David, for example, was never asked to give up his love for music and writing poetry. As a busy king under enormous pressure, he could easily have not spent time composing psalms. We benefit, to this day, from his decision to keep writing. We are to die to the sinful parts of who we are – defensiveness, arrogance, hypocrisy, a judgemental spirit, as well as the more obvious things such as gossip, lying, stealing, coveting and so on.”
I trust this will give you the freedom to break the silence and to speak. You have a voice. Let us start sharing our hearts and be true to ourselves. It is time for the Body of Christ to get healing.
